A friend went with me to the first “real” appointment. I brought my cancer binder but they had a cancer binder already made for me in there. It had a picture of a woman looking into the distance. My friend had her notebook. Everyone was ready to take notes. The doctor opened the binder they made me and it had all kinds of info in it. She turned pages and circled things and said words. It was a very small tumor. They were going to do a lumpectomy- just scoop it on out and then go from there. There’s a little seed they’re going to put in so they can cut the exact right spot out. It helps the attached scalpel to find the right place. (technology wtf!) Then maybe chemo. Maybe radiation. But small. Tiny. Best case scenario, all things considered. First, though, a genetics test and an MRI on both breasts. My nurse navigator said she’d be in touch, making appointments and that I should be getting calls. She mentioned all the doctors I’d be seeing and they were all the names that I had been told. I was glad about that. I didn’t go back to work that day and I didn’t go to my classes either. I just, I didn’t want to and I thought, the day you learn about your cancer is a valid reason to chill out, right? Is that selfish?
I told more people. Friends were like “but you seemed fine at the party!” and I’m like, yeah… I’m not trying to ruin a good party! And I’m fine. I don’t know what’s happening but that’s exactly why I’m ok. There’s nothing to freak out about right now, there’s only: keep going, one foot in front of the other. Wait and see, take deep breaths, fucking enjoy yourself.
My genetics test a couple days later. I left work a little early to drive across town and spit (a really uncomfortable amount of spit) into a tube. It’s gonna be a couple weeks before the results come back, I have no family history so hopefully everything is fine but who knows. I realize maybe I don’t really understand genetics at all. If there’s no family history, where would a bad gene come from, is it like a recipe? Chemistry? This gene and that gene together can make a totally different poison gene? I assume that having no family history means I just won some random selection for this, and ok. But what if the tests show some other random rare genetic kind of cancer? Ugh! I do have Ashkenazi ancestry and apparently breast cancer is more common for those folks. If something comes back positive for a breast cancer gene, my treatment plan will totally change.
I went to the MRI. I knew it was going to be weird, I’d heard that the machine was different from a standard MRI- this one you lie face down with your face in a weird massage table kind of face holding contraption (much less comfy tho) while your boobs hang through two holes in the table. Your body is obviously on your stomach but at a strange angle that’s just not at all comfortable. The woman said “you can try to go to sleep, some people do”. Uh, how the hell could anyone fall asleep here? The angle’s all wrong, you have your arms out in front of you like superman, you can’t move, these earplugs don’t really block the clanging enough, just… no. It was fine, though. I went to work afterwards.
The next day (we are up to Thursday 11-7) I’m at work and I get a phone call from my cancer surgeon, Dr. G. She says that the MRI results are already back. I immediately feel it in my stomach. Oh no. She goes over all the things, the right side is fine. The lymph nodes are fine. The left lymph nodes look fine. The left breast, however. It had a bunch of small things light up on the MRI. I’m trying to listen but in my head I’m picturing a boob, like floating in space. It has lots of little lights lighting it up, like a picture from space of cities at night. I had (half) joked about being worried that I was “riddled” with cancer to my friend on the drove to my first appointment. After the doc had said small, caught it early, small, small and we were on our way home, she said “see, not riddled with cancer!”. But now I felt like… maybe I am. On a smaller scale but still a gut punch. “We did not expect this, it was surprising.” the doc is saying over the phone. I’m calm and accepting. I need another biopsy and nurse navigator Michelle will be in touch.
I hear all this and I wonder so much. What now. How do I keep caring about doing homework. I need to care but wow it’s never been so hard. I’m certain my ADHD panic magic will kick in in the near future (I have a whole week without appointments, it may be GSD <get shit done> time.) Are my appointments still happening? How long will it take to get biopsy results? My treatment plan… dammit. All the little details I thought I knew helped me feel better, more in control of this completely uncontrollable thing, gone.
The world, my life, and I’m really not trying to sound like I’m complaining here, seems like it’s just over and over with the lessons, man. Humbling, humbling, humbling. But I guess there are different kinds of people, right? There are the people who things happen to and they bitch and moan and make life worse for everyone else! Then there are people who things happen to and they’re like “yup. This is a thing that happens in the world. I’m not going to let it ruin what I’ve got going here. I’m going to still give thanks for the good stuff that still is.”
So many feelings can exist at the same time, it’s a bewildering thing when you allow yourself to really open up to that knowledge and that feeling. It makes sense, right, we are made of so much water and water is wild. It can be so many things at once. I’m rambling.
For the first time since all of this happened, I feel actually a little more scared than I feel comfortable with. There’s still nothing to be done but to – be. Keep on keeping on, you know? But am I having a lumpectomy still? Will I have to go straight into chemo? What’s that mean for my work, will I need those days off or do I undo my FMLA stuff and… ugh! I don’t like this. People are asking what I need and what would be most helpful is help with work and school. The things only I can do! I did tell some friends though that I am having trouble feeding myself healthy food. There are folks who are going to make and bring me food. Someone brought 8 meals last night. I wanted to cry. It all still feels performative somehow. Like, all this doordash credit is for later, right? I have to save it. For like when the real cancer kicks in. This is just… not it yet cuz it’s not actually really real. Is this real?
A good friend of mine asked what I needed and said “I will wash your armpits. I’ll bring you a lasagna.” That’s actually taped to my wall right now. It makes me feel happy and supported, as silly as it is. The biopsy is on the 18th. More waiting. Over a week.
How do I tell everyone this new and not-improved news? Maybe it’s nothing. But maybe it’s something. How do I tell the kids at my school. I don’t want to be the example of staying positive! I mean, I will. But I did not volunteer for this, I want to make this very clear! I talked to my dad the other night, about the un-improved (or maybe nothing! Ugh, this dichotomy!) news. We talked about his Parkinson’s and my cancer. He said if there’s anything good about his diagnosis, which he’s had for about 25 years, it’s that he can tell newly diagnosed people that living a long life afterwards is possible, and this is what it looks like. Anyone who thinks I’m “brave” (uh I haven’t actually done anything yet!) or “handling it well” (again… the challenging part I don’t think has started yet. This is the part of the movie where the character is told they have to go to war. Like, they’re not even there yet) hasn’t ever met my dad. I guess maybe I feel like I’m prepared for this for a couple reasons: first, I’ve had a breast reduction so the idea of breast surgery, while unappealing, isn’t foreign. Second, my dad. He’s generally handled his diagnosis with grace, a sense of realism, and positivity. Is it because he studied Zen Buddhism and has practiced meditation for many many years? Is he just a positive guy? Watching him has taught me a lot, and more than I realized before my own diagnosis. It is possible to be devasted and scared and still fully grateful to be alive! Thank you everything in the universe that collided in the perfect way for me to be here, today. My window is open, I hear birds, my cat is curled up at my feet, and I’m writing with tears in my eyes. I regret nothing!!!
Just keep being normal! Get your work done! Study hard! Do your dishes and laundry and get enough sleep! Do not get another bucket of m&ms from Costco (seriously never ever do that again.) Keep your house clean! Don’t give in to your urges to hide in bed and never speak to anyone! You must stay open to the world! It is not the time to go inward even though the time just changed and it gets dark so early and it’s getting cold… you need your people and they need you to tell them that. Stay open! Stay positive!
sigh.