It’s Thursday of fall break now, and I’m heading to Chicago to meet up with my friend so we can drive to Minneapolis together. It’s early afternoon. I still haven’t heard from the doctor or the radiology place about my biopsy, but they did tell me that it could be several days, so I’m not too worried about not knowing anything yet.
The phone rings and I pick it up. Yeah, hi, it’s me, yes. Have I… what? Have I made an appointment with a surgeon or an oncologist yet? Uh… No. I haven’t actually heard anything from Dr X or the radiology place yet, so I have no reason to make such an appointment. It sounds a lot like you’re telling me I have cancer, though. The person on the other end of the phone sounds totally freaked out.
“Uhh, NO! That’s not what I’m telling you, I just… uh… um, no, that is not what you should take from this conversation! I just, um.. hold on. Uh so, yeah, that isn’t what I’m saying, I just was supposed to call and ask, um. I’m sorry, I’m just going to have the Dr call you, ok?”
The call is over and I am driving through fields by myself and it’s sunny and warm. And I think that this means I have cancer. And I’m driving. And I’m not sure what to do. I stop to pee and text my friend “Can you talk real quick?” and then immediately after sending it I write “Never mind, I’ll be there soon.” and my brain is not spinning like I thought it might, it’s silent. It’s like a fluffy blanket of snow on any thoughts. Just covered and thick.
I call the Dr back. I can’t get through. I wait, I call the radiologist. They tell me I’ll have to call in the morning, most people have gone home (I’m in a different time zone now.) As I’m getting off the phone with them, a call comes through that I don’t catch in time and when I check the voicemail, it’s my Dr. She tells me she really needs to talk to me. But the office is closed. And… she’s off Fridays. So just call her on Monday. I am floored. Uh. So I’m supposed to go into this girls’ weekend with maybe cancer but nothing definite? Wt actual f.
I freak out now, a bit. I can’t get anyone on the phone and just… what the hell. Am I on a secret show called “the worst ways to spend a lonely drive”? or maybe “How to ruin your ability to have a fun weekend with your besties by a lake”?
I see my friend. I tell her. She’s one of my oldest friends and I can trust her with anything and everything. I’m so lucky to have many friends like this, and I’m lucky that this is who I’m spending the next 6 hours in a car with. We talk about it. She agrees that it’s not a great way to (maybe?) find out one has cancer. I tell her I’m not going to tell anyone until I know more. We arrive in Minneapolis close to midnight and many of our friends have already crashed out for the night. She and I go to the room we’re sharing and I’m ok. I’m in a house full of women I trust and love and even though I don’t know anything concrete… I’m ok.